No Deals, Mr Riddle
by LEMONSKY4
Summary: *REVISED JAN. 16th '09!* Voldemort has been trying to persuade Harry to come join the Dark Side. But what does Bellatrix and chocolate chip cookies have to do with it? Starring Harry Potter, Kingsley, Voldemort, and a rather shocked Minister of Magic!


**Disclaimer: I'm not J.K. Rowling. I'm just having fun with her characters. :)

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_"There have been tyrants, and murderers, and for a time they can seem invincible, but in the end they always fall. Think of it-- always." _

_-Ghandi

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"BELLATRIX! WHERE ARE MY COOKIES?! YOU SAID THEY WOULD BE READY TWENTY MINUTES AGO!" a rather disgruntled Dark Lord yelled.

Suddenly with a loud bang, the door opened and in came a much frazzled looking Bellatrix Lestrange with a large platter of mouth-watering chocolate chip cookies.

"I'm sorry, my Lord, I had to Crucio several people in order to bring you these," She panted as she placed the platter on the end table next to Voldemort's squishy emerald green arm chair.

"Quite all right, Bellatrix. Your cookies are one hot commodity," he said.

Bellatrix blushed. "Thank you, my lord. Is there anything else I can do for you?"

"No, you are dismissed," he said as he shooed her away.

Voldemort smiled evilly to himself. He now had the luxury of eating all of these absolutely _scrumptious_ cookies by himself.

He was about to munch on one, when the door banged open. He dropped the cookie in shock and it fell to the floor. He cursed silently.

"My Lord," one of Voldemort's minions said as he bowed.

"What is it? It better be good, because nobody and I mean _nobody _interrupts my cookie eating time," Voldemort said in a clipped tone.

"I have a reply from _Harry Potter_," the unknown minion said.

"Well, what did he say? Out with it!" Voldemort said. He has been trying to persuade a certain raven haired boy to join the Dark side for several months. He was starting to get desperate. His current bribe was divulging a confidential Death Eater secret—that Bellatrix can make a mean chocolate chip cookie.

"He gave me this," the Death Eater handed the Dark Lord a piece of parchment. Voldemort's face scrunched up in confusion as he read the note.

'_No deals, Mr. Riddle.' _was all the parchment said.

Voldemort sat there, in his squishy arm chair, just staring at the parchment. He was rather confused. No, he was _perplexed. _He didn't remember mentioning any _deals_ to Potter in his last letter. He's been mentioning _bribes_. Also, another thing perplexed him. _Mr. Riddle_? What's with this rather stiff formality? In the last response to his letters, Potter called him Voldie-Moldie. In his confused state, he failed to notice that there was something off about this certain Death Eater. In fact, it never fazed him that he had never _seen _this Death Eater before.

When Voldemort finally looked up from the parchment, his eyes widened. There, standing proudly was _Harry Potter_.

"AVADA KEDAVRA!" Harry bellowed.

Voldemort slouched in his seat, dead.

Harry stood there, listening to the now utterly unnerving silence.

"Wow. That was a lot easier than I thought it would be," Harry muttered.

He shrugged and wrote a note on the other side of the parchment, and placed it onto the now dead Voldemort. Harry then vanished Voldemort's body to the Ministry, to prove that He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named was actually dead.

Harry then looked around the room. His eyes were instantly attracted to the platter of chocolate chip cookies. He darted his eyes back and forth, and made his way towards the platter.

Harry then hesitantly grabbed one of the cookies, which was still warm. After he took a bite, he mumbled, "Wow, he was right. These cookies are _amazing._"

Harry then looked down at his watch. "Oh good. I'm just in time for lunch at the Burrow," he said.

Without a second glance, he took the platter of the _sinfully divine_ cookies and apparated to the Burrow.

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Voldemort's body happened to land on Kingsley Shacklebolt's desk. Unfortunately, Kingsley was currently having a meeting of _significant_ importance with the Minister when this happened.

"BLOODY HELL!" the Minister shouted as he jumped three feet into the air.

Kingsley was acting completely calm, as if the body of the darkest wizard in the entire world landed on his desk everyday. He noticed the note and started to read it. He couldn't help but smile.

"What does the note say?" the Minister said while poking the body.

"Oh, just that Harry has invited me to join him for lunch at the Burrow," Kingsley said in his deep voice. He then clapped his hands.

"Well, Minister I do believe that this meeting's over. Good day," Kingsley said in a rushed tone as he practically sprinted out of the office. There was no chance in hell that he was missing one of Molly Weasley's home cooked meals.

With the slam of the door, he was gone; leaving behind one very flabbergasted Minister of Magic with the dead body of Lord Voldemort.

The Minister sighed, and left the room, but made sure to lock it. He didn't want to return tomorrow to find that the corpse of You-Know-Who had walked itself out of the Ministry. He shook his head. What was he thinking? There's no such thing as walking corpses.

As he walked down the hallway, he stopped dead in his tracks as he realized that there _are_ such things as walking corpses.

_Inferi._

He unconsciously shuddered and ran his hand over his tired face. He would deal with this tomorrow. So what if the whole magical community thinks that there's still a raving lunatic running around? It's only just for one more day.

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**A/N: I just _HAD_ to revise this because when I looked back at this, I _cringed_ at the lack of description. Seriously, I _cringed._ It amazes me how much my writing has improved since then. Anyways, I'm rambling, so I'm just going to ask you to be a dear and leave a review.**

**Oh, be on the lookout for the companion piece, _Bellatrix Can Make a Mean Chocolate Chip Cookie _to be revised soon. By the looks of it, I'm just going to have to trash it and start from scratch.  
-LEMONSKY4**


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